~
Make a Choice and Commit
He’s a terrific fuck. Almost makes the relapse seem worth it. Amazing hairless chest. Nice muscle tone but not a gym rat. Blonde scruff sprouts along his jaw. Obvious he can’t grow a proper beard. Sadly, his dick reminds me of those pickles used to garnish too-expensive sandwiches. We fall into role play. My idea, of course. Isn’t every first fuck a kind of audition? He makes his tiny dick part of the scenario. I almost fall in love with him, right now, right here. I am revived. But is it merely scoring coke or more star-cross’d? Definitely, the boy has Daddy issues, and plainly, I am at the age where I fit the part. He tells me how to pose while I fuck him. Insect arms clasped behind my head, the illusion of biceps—the illusion first, next our collusion, and finally, dishwater delusion. I provide him his next line. Never ceases to amaze how few men can handle minor improvisation. Years ago, when I performed Hamlet, Ophelia couldn’t get enough of my tales about stripping Claudius nude at the dorm. The boy doesn’t insist on porn. He ignores his phone, perhaps silenced before we began. Can’t recall the last trick that went so well. Sorry and silly how simply my sexual vanity can be satisfied. I ask his last name. I know he’ll refuse. It’s how he phrases his refusal—that’s what I need to hear. Don’t be greedy, I caution myself. I’ll never see him again. I know this like I know the face of my watch. Two other men in my contacts share his first name. If that’s his true first name, if those were their true first names. He gazes at me like I’ve missed my cue. I can’t find my new socks, and it becomes a fizz-bubble game, our search. Once home, I text him, the responding silence my unassailable proof that he is nothing but shit.
~
Thomas Kearnes
Thomas Kearnes lives and teaches in Houston. He is a three-time Pushcart Prize nominee. His debut story collection, “Texas Crude,” was nominated for a Literary Lambda Award and is available at Lethe Press. His follow up collection, “Death by Misadventure,” releases March 16 at Dark Ink Books